Sunday, April 18, 2010

where do i start?

Do you know how sometimes, you can be doing the most normal, random of things and you'll hear something that will absolutely change you?

Yeah. That was me. Last night. In Publix. Let me explain.

I was on the salad dressing aisle. I was trying to be a sweet wife and get my sweet Shawn some yummy dressing that he loves. I couldn't remember which Brianna's dressing was his fave - the one with the strawberry on the label, or the one with the other fruit on the label. (for the's the strawberry one) So I called my mom to ask her. She told me it was the strawberry one, then she said one sentence that totally changed me.

"Amy...Stewart was killed today."

It took a second for it to register. I said, "Rachel's Stewart?" She said yes. I replied with a simple "Oh my God." I wasn't using God's name in vain. I was literally crying out to Him. I was devastated.

Now this requires a little back story on my part. Stewart and Rachel Bieber just came into our lives in January of this year. They have been leaders of a LIFE CHANGING small group at church. Rachel is my leader. Stewart is my Dad's leader. They are the cutest, most amazing couple I know.

Stewart is a pilot. Literally...he flies jet planes. He has that funky, spikey hair just like my Keith. Except Stewart's is dark. Rachel is beautiful. Long, curly hair. Dresses to perfection. Works at a health food store. They are outdoorsy, healthy, and totally in love. And totally surrendered to God. Living for him 100%.

Rachel has prayed for me and with me, cried with me, and taught me so much about being a better wife, mom, and person. God brought her into my life when I didn't even realize that I needed her. Wow. Talk about your steps being ordered by God. He brought us together and used her to reveal weaknesses in me. I am a better person today because of this relationship.

How cool is this...Stewart and Rachel were building their own log cabin. By HAND. Their hands. Completely debt free. I know, right? And it ain't some little shack. They bought their land in Wilsonville and together, have done it ALL. They even had the cutest blog where friends (aka stalkers) could keep up with their progress. How stinking "them!" To say that they did everything together was an understatement. They literally DID. Everything. They were "that marriage" where they didn't just say that they were eachother's best friends...they really were. Beautiful people, inside and out. I would look at them and think, "Wow. Perfection." And it almost was.

Yesterday they were doing something that they do all the time...waterskiing. All I know for sure is that Stewart was barefoot skiing, and something terrible happened. A ramp was involved...I don't know all the details. But I do know that as I write this right now...Stewart is in Heaven. While we are thankful for that...Rachel is here alone. Heartbroken. Devastated. No doubt wondering, "Why? What now?" I don't know for sure if she is saying that, I can only imagine if I were in her shoes. That's what I would be doing.

They were in ministry together. Powerful, lifechanging ministry. Now he is gone. I finished buying my groceries, got in my minivan, and cried my eyes out all the way home. I prayed for Rachel. I thanked God for all He did through Stewart and Rachel. I told Him that while I didn't understand...I still trusted Him. Mostly, I just cried for Rachel. One minute she had "perfection." Now...she is a widow.

It is so cliche to say that we aren't promised tomorrow...but man - we aren't. Life is precious. God has a plan, and while we may never understand it, we can trust Him. Even when it hurts. Today, it isn't easy to trust. My heart is broken for my friend. But it's like the song says, "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will CHOOSE to say. Blessed be Your name."

It isn't easy to trust right now. My heart is heavy. Regardless...I am choosing to trust. It's a choice. It isn't easy, or even natural at this point. I am making myself trust Him. I haven't talked to Rachel. When I do, I don't know what I will say. So until then...I am choosing to do all that I can.

At times like this, it's easy to pray. That is natural. That's basically all we can do. The trust...that isn't natural. That's something you have to make yourself do. You have to CHOOSE to trust.

Today, I choose to trust. I will choose it again tomorrow, and again the next day. It will be my daily decision. Maybe daily is too long a projection. I might need to choose hourly. Poor Rachel is probably having to choose minute by minute to DISREGARD her feelings and to do what feels unnatural. To trust...even though it hurts. But she is such an amazing person...I know she'll do just that.

Please join my in prayer for Rachel and for the Bieber family. Pray diligently and pray often. They have touched so many lives...mine included. We may not understand...but that isn't what we're called to do.

We're called to trust. We have to CHOOSE to trust.

"Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name"

visit their blog at


  1. Amy, I am so sorry for your loss as well as the church and Rachel. It isn't very often a person comes into your life and turns it around. I will be praying for you and Rachel for God's peace and understanding. so sorry.

  2. You have put into words just what I am feeling. Yes, Stewart & Rachel touched many lives in our Life Group. I am SO THANKFUL that we had the priviledge to be with them. We, too, are praying for Rachel. Life is like a today and gone tomorrow. We remember that when someone is taken, but we need to remember it daily. I love you!